Changes

April 30th, 2012

I can't believe that it's the first of May tomorrow and that time has moved so fast. It will be four months since my beautiful Mum died on the second of January.

 Has it really gone that fast?

A lot has changed, we now live with Dad. 

This is something that I promised Mum I would do, that I would not leave him alone for too long. That I would look after him always. This I know now was a huge thing to promise someone, I don't regret it one bit. I would have done it the other way round too if Mum was the one left here.

 It's not been completely smooth running there has been the odd hicc up and words said, then there has been the time to think and say sorry.

 Dad makes out he's a tough cookie and he can handle anything but this has knocked him for six. The loss of the woman of his dreams, the love of his life, his whole being is no longer sharing his life. I know when he's at a low as thats when I get the hug of hugs, that holds on tight, that wants to be held on too! It takes a minute! Thats all for him to regain his strength and carry on.

A friend of mine said that she can apreciate what an emormous change this is for me and that it's not as easy as everyone thinks it is. That people are relying on me to hold it all toghether and that Paul is there to hold me up, but I am the main support for everyone. It's only till she said this did I realise just how far I have come! How all the tears and the heartache have made me a stronger person, although at times I don't feel it. I still feel I lack some amount of self esteeme and confidance to cope, that the tears do get the better of me! That I want to scream and shout and tell the world to please let me off.

 But I can't!

 

I'm Still Here

February 16th, 2012

It's been a while!

Words are not easy to put down right now, but I felt I had to let you know I'm still here. I have hundreds of words spinning around in my head right now but I'm finding it hard to write something that will make sense.

Do you ever get like that?

Do you ever get that feeling of writing something meaningful, creative or beautiful, then when you come to write it just does not happen.

The mind and the fingers are not meeting on the same ground and nothing, just nothing! No clicking of keys! Just Silence!!

I know I'm actually writing something now, but does it make sense? Or is it all just nonsense?

Slience!

I could tell you how my life is changing in a massive way, but are you really interested? More so do I really want to tell all?

 

 

 

Time

January 20th, 2012

Time is a very valuable thing to have. You either have more than you want or never enough! It should be valued with lots of care and kept safe at all time.

When it runs out you begin to wish you had done lots of things you never got round too! That holiday you should have gone on, The chats you should have had, The people you should have spent more time with.

I sit sometimes and think what if, but then I look at what I have got and just how lucky I am to have and to love.I would not change the time I have with my children and husband. I would not change the time I have with the rest of my family. 

Everything happends for a reason, time ends when it has to, there is no control on that. But when it does we always want a little more to say I love you and please dont go! To lose someone or something that is so valuable to you is a pain that can't be described untill you go through it. They say time is a great healer, that in time things will get easyer, that you'll come through it a stronger person. Right now it doesn't feel like that.

To run away and hide would be a great feeling right now! But I can't. I have to wake up each day, try to smile through the tears. There are lots of tears!! Lots of quiet moments! There is lots of time right now to remember and talk memories. I'd swop this time right now to have one moment, one small and quiet moment to say "Mum I Love you" just one more time.

Time!

Value it , Use it wisely and Make a memory of every bit of it you can. x

For Mum

January 9th, 2012

I've been trying to write a blog for a week now. To write something down that would make sense of whats going on in my head and heart. How can something change so much in such a short time!

On the 2nd of January 2012 My Mum passed away. She had been battling with Cancer for the past 20 months. At one point we thought we were on the winning side, but on the 2nd everything changed and time which we valued so much ran out.

My Mum was the most beautiful person you could ever meet, she had the most amazing personallity and the biggest heart you could ever imagine. She was a strong lady and although only 4 foot 10 inches was larger than life. Mum was the center of our family. The one who always stayed in control, she listened and gave the best advice. Don't get me wrong she was not always right, but she was the best guide a girl could have.

Mum was born on the 15th June 1934. At 19 years her life began when she was swept off her feet by Dad who at the time was 17. He courted her for 2 years and at the age of 19 Dad married Mum(21) While on leave from the national service. So on 7th April 1956 Dad got his dream girl. 2 years later daughter number one was born Leigh, then Kerry 2 years later. 8 years later I was born.

When I was 12 both my sisters got married and Mum and Dad celebrated 25 years of marriage. I was left home alone. I think I had the best of both worlds having sisters and time alone with Mum and Dad.

Both my sisters have families of their own, Leigh has Aaron and Harrah. Kerry has Corey,Tyne and Curtis, she also has Grand children of her own Talia, Abbie, Paige,Klae and Kayden.  I have 2 beautiful girls Harriet and Cordelia. So Mum and Dad went from 3 daughters to 3 daughters, 7 grandchildren and 5 Great Grandchildren. For Mum's 77 years she has created some of the most beautiful people you could ever wish to meet.

Over the past 42 years I have spent a lot of time with Mum and over the past 2 years more so. I didn't think twice about looking after Mum when she was first told about having cancer, I automatically took on board that Mum would need care and help with her battle. Dad would need the support too!!

At frist the chemo was quite sickly for Mum,but she carried on! Mum had a positive mind and was determined to fight all the way.

We all did!

I realised from the very beginning that from where the cancer was there would be no cure and time would be limited and so did Mum.

Terminal is such a cruel word to say, but it had been said so in the back of our minds we knew that the day would come when time ran out. Mum and I talked a lot and very openly from the beginning, there was no use pertending that it was to go away.

Mum decided that goals needed to be set. The final one turned out to be Christmas. She made Christmas day the best she could. Having her family with her around her was all she wanted. She looked beautiful and managed to cope with a long busy day. Mum spent the week up to new year struggling with her breathing and feeling a little unwell.

On the 2nd of January Mum said she didn't feel right so we phoned the doctor and while waiting  Mum collapsed and passed away quietly at home with the most important man in her life by her side. It all happened so fast.

We are all so proud of Mum and her fight. It was not easy, there were good and bad times sometimes she was down, but most of the time she kept her head up. There was always a smile on her face and she tried hard not to show just how tired or ill she was.

I miss Mum so much, we all do. But we do have the undrestanding that she no longer is in pain or has to suffer the after affects of chemo.

I do feel lost at the moment, I'm not sure what to do next and neither does Dad! We will get through this day by day, taking little steps. The pain will go eventually.

The most important thing is that we will never forget and we will always love Mum!

 

 

Happy New Year! 2012

January 1st, 2012

Happy New Year everyone!

Well 2012 came in very quietly in our house. There was no party, no drunken games, no party poppers to clean up! Just the four of us chilling watching television and having a drink or two!

 December 31st was the 2nd anniversary of my marriage to Paul. We didn't have anything planned to do, just to have a quiet day.

 We did go to see my Mum and Dad and it was a good job we did. Mum's not doing very well at the moment and is becoming more dependent on oxygen. We looked at the tanks she had recieved the day before and worked it out that she would not have enough to last her the weekend! So the challange began to work out how to get her more oxygen to last. By the time we'd finished, There was the involvement of The air suppliers and emergancy doctors and the delivery guy. But success was had and by the end of the afternoon an endless suppy of oxygen was delivered and Mum was more relaxed!

I on the other hand was knackered and was not ready to celebrate new year!! I did feel really guilty that we had nothing planned for the girls,but to me it's just another day!